why is the measure of love loss?

it's a line from a winterson novel.
i read that book 12 years ago.
and right now, i feel that line more than ever.

i almost died today. twice.
i was driving by an intersection waiting to cross, and after seeing the last vehicle in my right disappear, i looked to my left to see a car with his signals on turning right, i proceeded to cross and the car just sped up and went right straight to me. i hit the breaks when my sister sitting in the passenger seat, screamed for me to stop.
it was a near miss. perhaps it was my fault. i relied on the other car's signal lights and went ahead. i was almost totalled, and from the speed and the postition i stopped, i could have died today. again.

i say again because i died friday night. inside me, all has turned grey. i made the biggest mistake i could possibly make, and i lost the one i love in the process.
i could not believe that a single incident of a wrong decision could throw away our 2 years of love together.

it's always in my mind now. what could i have done? how could i ever recover. before i went out today, her last statement to me was we couldn't even be friends after what happened. she has begun to move on and eradicate me from her life.

maybe i was thinking about that too much. i apologized to my sister for having endangered her life like that. for me, i was rattled, but it felt as if there was not much life to lose. if i lost my one, what else is there for me?

there is no feeling more painful than grief and regret of making a big mistake you can not correct. i looked in the mirror now and i saw a shell. there is no me. my heart lays shattered on the floor.

i am not worthy. all i was, was love. now i am nothing. empty has found a new home.

i loved her so much. having lost her now, ended me. i have lost sunshine and meaning.